Peering Through the Looking Glass

It’s funny, but I was incredibly busy the last two weeks and I had lots of blog entries in my head.  Just didn’t have the time to put them all down.  So here’s a few I had started in my brain…..maybe one day I’ll finish them.

Political Campaigns

Seriously, how do these people get my cell number?!  MY CELL NUMBER?!?!  I am not listed in any phone book nor do I hand out my cell number to random people on the street.  My phone has not stopped ringing with campaign bot calls for the last week or so.  Saturday I got six calls and Sunday it was eight.  And these aren’t major campaigns, these are alderman races and crap like that.  And to me, those are just overblown popularity contest.  My opinion anyway.

Quitting Jobs

I quit my Sunday job at the liquor store.  Only took me over a year to come to that decision and a week to actually do it.  I’m such a chicken.  But he was really understanding and more than supportive of my decision.  He said my well being was more important.  I suppose that’s true.  But I still feel like an idiot quitting a job in these economic times.  Couldn’t we all use a little padding in ye olde check book?  And there mine goes.  But…..but…..it sounds petty, but it will be nice to have one day a week where I don’t have something booked all the time. 

Zombies

Night of the Living Dead this year was FANTASTIC!  No insult to people who had done the show in previous years but the changes overall made the show breathe new and different life.  There was a whole new energy in rehearsals and in the green room.  Made for a whole different experience.  Thanks again for that!

AND….there is nothing funnier than seeing an actor, in FULL ZOMBIE MAKEUP, puking into a garbage can.  Very unfunnily it started the zombie plague which took down four zombies before closing night and continued to infect people after.  And I did feel sorry for the guy that he got so sick.  But dude, imagine it!  Blood, decaying skin….and puke noises.  It just struck me as funny.

Keeping Up With The Joneses

When I was discussing leaving the liquor store with my Mom we got into some specific numbers about my credit card debt.  And she asked just what I was using the cards for.  $1000 for tires here, then replacing two over the next year made for another $500.  $1000 for Roxie at the vet…yes I’m stilling paying that off.  It’s not like I use it to buy clothes or music or DVDs or travel.  But I dug deep and discovered what I do use my credit cards for.  Keeping up with the Joneses behavior.  Take for example this coming weekend.  My childhood friend is pregnant with her first and having a baby shower.  I would LOVE to lavish her with lovely gifts but my budget, if I don’t use my credit cards, allows maybe $20.  REALLY!?  That’s crap.  But she would understand and so would I.  But I would look like a chump next to the $100 and up gifts from all the other ladies who are married with two incomes and/or who make more than me in a year.  I don’t like looking like a cheap asshole.  Imagine that happening several times in a year…..birthdays, weddings, Christmas.  I don’t like looking like a schmuck.  So I use my credit cards to lower my schmuck factor I guess.

Dancing On The Fringe

Here is my last portion.  And here’s where I get really philosophical.  I have loads of friends and people who love me.  But I feel very left out.  I don’t have a circle of friends persay anymore.  I’m not part of the circle anymore.  I’m standing just outside it.  I made my choice to not be involved more with the organization and most times I am a-okay with that decision.  But then I see how close everyone else still is, how much more time they get to spend together and well, I feel very alone and left out.  Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t change my decision for anything.  But that doesn’t mean you have to like all the consquences right?

So now you know where I’ll be.  Hope to see you there!!

(And the following week is Halloween week and I’ll be CRAZY busy trying to get my costume together.  Chat with you all in November!)

I’ve been doing the SlimFast thing now for a little over two weeks.  I weighed myself today and found I lost three pounds.  Nothing as earth shattering as I had hoped or that previous experience dictated (I lost 30 pounds in less than 8 weeks last time I did it) but it was better than a sharp pointy stick in my eye.  I’ll take it.

Here’s my down fall:  I’ve got the shake for breakfast and shake for lunch thing down fine.  I keep my snacking to a minium, a handful of pretzels here, an apple there, a yogurt when it gets really desperate.  And I only eat one meal a day.

It’s that whole SENSIBLE meal thing I’m struggling with.

I don’t think its supposed to be wings or canned ravioli for dinner.  Or a honkin’ huge grilled cheese sandwich.  Or pizza logs.

Oh and the other thing, before I did Slimfast, my largest meal of the day was lunch.  I ate light for dinner and nothing after 9 PM.  But with my energy output higher in the evening these days (not only a workout but rehearsal to boot) its very hard not to want to eat at 9:30/10 PM.  I try my darndest to keep it to 8 crackers but lately, I’ve been adding cheese.

Bad me.

I like SlimFast because, at the risk of sounding lazy, you don’t have to think much.  Grab a can and go.  AND it makes you appreciate the food you do eat a whole lot more!  I take my time eating now, savouring every bite because these days, I rarely chew food.  I’m drinking it instead!

I’ll get the SENSIBLE part soon and that will make my progress move ahead leaps and bounds.

Now, if I only could stop drinking a beer after rehearsal.  But Oktoberfests are SOOO good!

1.) I’m over it.  First and foremost, wanted to get that out there.  Had my wallow and walk and its all good.

2.) I’m loving, no….wait…..LOV——wait for it—–ING!, my acting class this semester.  It’s a real challenge and I feel I will walk away with new skills at the end of it all.  Which is the whole purpose right?  Of course we haven’t gotten to the Shakespeare yet.  That might change things.

3.) Been on Slimfast for a week now and barely dropped a pound.  I’m sure its my one meal of actual food a day that’s killing me.  But I do feel better.  So the whole thing’s a wash right now.

4.) I am a farmers market whore.  I go every weekend.  Last weekend I bought a BUSHEL of apples.  Seriously, me?!  A single individual!?!?  And a bushel full of apples.  Most of them are gone though, sacrificed for applesauce :)  Going again this weekend.  What goodies will I overload on this time?!

5.) I found a Pilates class.  I am so excited!  The instructor is so-so, but I have a feeling if I get up the courage to part the dancer body sea at the end of class, I could ask her some questions about positioning to make sure I’m doing it absolutely injury risk free.

6.) It is so cold and damp already my joints are screaming.  My knees aren’t so bad, that’s an end of the day thing really.  But my wrists are a whole other story.  I have to hold them in front of my office space heater to loosen them up in the AM.  I’d like some sun please?  Not summer warmth really, just long enough to dry things out.

7.) I have this short “poem” of my own creation stuck in my head.  Its not even a full poem yet its just a thought and a concept that needs filling out.  It woke me up one morning and has been swirling in brain ever since.

8.) I feel for my friends right now.  They are stuck in a bad show and the rehearsal experience has been awful.  This rat jumped ship but unfortunately is still on shore watching the ship go down.  I want to start a rescue mission.  Either to save as many people as I can or even better right the ship.  The show opens tonight so hopefully things will improve when the audiences arrive.

9.) I’m happy my office roomie is back.  I enjoyed the solitude this summer but the company is nice too.

10.) Fall TV is keeping me busy!  Big Bang, How I Met Your Mother, House, Glee, Fringe and Project Runway.  Thank the technological gods for DVR.  My life is so much better with DVR
Be de be de be de…..That’s all folks!

WARNING:  Highly emotional, whiny, emo post ahead!

I used to blog on here because I didn’t believe that people would care/understand my problems.  My view has always been, there are people in the world with much bigger problems than I so I need to keep my mouth shut and move forward regardless.

But then I got understanding friends and therapy helped me realize my problems are just as real as someone else’s and should not necessarily be compared.

But today, I revert back to old habits and thank the heavens above none of my friends really know this blog exists.

I did an audition on Monday.  For a show I’ve always wanted to do with a company I’ve never worked with before but was excited to branch out to.  I had a gut feeling I wouldn’t get cast and my gut has been obscenely right recently.  (Normally its just right, the obscenely part is recent)  But I felt I earned a call back.

Yup, didn’t get it.

So here’s what the voices in my head are saying:

You were too big and broad.  But its a farce so I should have been and if they don’t get that, they suck.  That’s what it is, I showed them all up.  I just did so amazingly well no one else could keep up with me.  And how can you cast someone who is OBVIOUSLY so much better than the rest of the cast?  Especially when its an ensemble show, that’s just not fair.

I knew I didn’t have it.  I knew from the moment I started to prepare for auditions.  Heck, the moment I decided to audition, I knew I wouldn’t get it.  My gut instinct was right and it has never failed me.  But I auditioned anyway.  First to get some audition practice (auditioning is like job interviewing, you never turn one down because you always need the practice).  And second because I was hoping to defeat my self-fulfilling prophecy tendencies and gut instinct. 

Yet despite my A Game being brought and my best effort being put forward, I failed.

As I knew I would.

As was expected.

But here’s the really rough part.  If it was just this, fine, I wallow and walk as my friend Phanboy and I say.  But I have no one to wallow to.  And why?

Because the other friends I auditioned with……got call backs.

And You-Know-Who is auditioning call back night (Monday) since he couldn’t make the first part of auditions (health issues).

So what?  I have to avoid these people until after Monday night’s call backs?!!?

Oh wait, I can’t.  I am currently in a show with these friends and how on earth would I avoid You-Know-Who without him getting mad and it threatening HIS chances of getting cast?

Oh and PS, the company is a lot of You-Know-Who’s friends.  He performs with them a lot.  So I can’t say anything to him about my feelings right now or even after his audition.  It would put him in a very unfair position. 

This too shall pass I know.  But for right now, it just sucks.  Bad timing.  As usual.

Right now I am feeling like this is what I get.  This is what I get for going elsewhere, branching out.  I could be performing (practically) non-stop with my usual company.  But what do I do?  I go beyond my comfort zone, reach out, attempt something new and get my hand slapped.

Which is what usually happens when I go beyond my known.

I am a creature of habit.  So when I find a place I succeed, I tend to stick to it.  Because success is a rare creature in my life.  I take little successes and run with them.  I stick with people who know how I can succeed rather than wasting time and energy on trying to convince other people I can succeed.

Because this feeling I have right now, was not worth my effort.

It’s quiet. 

Too quiet.

All this waiting it starting to wear on me. 

Waiting for the movie to start filming.

Waiting to hear definitively that I am directing next year.

Waiting for the economy to turn around so You-Know-Who can start selling again.

Waiting for Night of the Living Dead auditions.

Waiting for Noises Off auditions.

Waiting for the long weekend to arrive.

Waiting for the mail.

It’s a lot of……hang on……almost there….just a few steps more….and then a few more.

I feel like a racehorse at the gate before the race.  All energy and direction caged up in a tiny little space. 

Hopefully I can contain that once the gate opens.

What is with this trend of boyfriends letting thier girlfriends talk for them?  It is truly disturbing me beyond all measure. 

I have one male friend and his girlfriend is GREAT.  Love her!  But if I email the both of them, or invite them to an event on the Book, ultimately she responds for the both of them.  Usually something like….

I can’t be there because I’m going away that weekend.  Same goes for him.

Ew.  It rubs me completely the wrong way.  It just sounds like she is in charge, controlling his calendar, telling him where to go and what to do and just to be sure everything is good….she’ll just say it for him too.

I know in this particular relationship, that’s not how it is.  Well, I truly hope its not and if it is, well, they are doing a fine good job of hiding it when we all hang out.

Then today, I checked an event I set up on the Book and I invited another male friend of mine’s girlfriend hoping she would pass on the invite since he’s not on the Book.  Here was her reply:

Sorry I can’t make it.  I am going to Vegas that day and my flight leaves at 5 p.m.  He won’t be able to go either since he has to take me to the airport.

This is a completely different situation since I know for a fact this girlfriend is a complete control freak (and she doesn’t like me and him being friends to boot).  I mean the event goes to 10 PM, not like he couldn’t make it by himself after he’s done dropping her off at the airport.

And yet another example!  It never ends! This one I find the most disturbing.  As I am part of a big group of friends on the Book, I can see what one friend is posting to another friend on thier respective walls.  My one friend’s girlfriend (a lovely lady who I adore) posted on HIS friend’s wall asking for something HE wanted.

WTF?!?!?!?!

I realize most of these are Book examples, but it started with emails and it seeps into phone calls.  Most couples I know are very careful how they present themselves in the presence of others.  But it becomes a fine line when multiple phone lines, email accounts and Book profiles get into the mix.

I know women want to assert themselves as strong in relationships and sometimes I wonder if that’s what this crap is.  A woman’s supposed chance to step forward and be The Voice of the Couple.  I also wonder if guys just generally speaking don’t care how the message is sent, just so long as it is recieved.  And there is a point to that as well.  Then I’m sure there is some territory marking behaviour going on too.

Whatever the reason, this one person speaking for the both annoys, irks and frustrates me.  I invited you both,  I talk to you both, in most cases I am friends with you both, I want to hear back from both of you. 

My father, who has been married to my mother 52 odd years, says that my mother is the social director.  Whenever I call about going over to dinner or something like that, his reply is succint.

Sounds good to me.  Let me confirm with the Social Director and one of us will get back to you.

Okay, maybe its not quite that formal but you get the point.  He doesn’t see anything amiss with my request, but since there are two people in the relationship, he wants to check with the other half. 

And yes, my mother does the same thing.  She’ll agree to something but with the caveat of checking my dad’s calendar first.

Perhaps they are different because none of this is happening on the Book (my father doesn’t even have an email account!) and after 52 years of marriage, I would hope they have some things down to a science.

You-Know-Who and I have a strict discussion clause.  If we both get invited to something, we have to talk it out before either of us replies.  Sometimes though the replies can be staggered.  I, as a former event planner, cannot stand having and outstanding invite over my head.  As soon as I get an invite, I need to answer it.  So sometimes, my reply is recieved before his.  So just to give the host a head’s up of what’s coming:

Thanks for the invite!  I’ll be there.  He is too I’m pretty sure.  Keep an eye out for his reply.

Or something to that effect.  Basically, I make it known we talked and decided together but I do not speak for him.  He is an adult and can speak for himself.  I wouldn’t want someone else speaking for me.  So I don’t speak for anyone else.

Maybe I am too territorial and independent.  Maybe this whole one speaking for the both is the way relationships are supposed to be.  (God help me if it is.) But I just can’t get on the bandwagon.  Sorry gang!

And hey, maybe try letting both people respond for a change.  It could be liberating!

Last Friday, August 7, was a pretty darn good day.  It was the day after my birthday and I expected nothing of the day since the days previous had been so jam packed with fun and frolic.

I checked my email about mid-morning though and BEHOLD!  I recieved notice I had been cast in my first movie!  HUZZAH!  And even though I would be very happy if it was an extra role, I was thrilled to learn I had a character name, I had lines, a scene!  YAHOO!

That’s about it on that for now.  I have a phone call scheduled with the director later this week.  Once I know more, so will you.  Perhaps this new experience will renew my blogging spirit.

Later that afternoon, I met with a friend of mine who works at a theatre.  She had let me know about a possibly opportunity and we were meeting to discuss it.  SURPRISE!  It’s a chance to direct a full production!  And a musical to boot!

Okay, its High School Musical 2 but still!!! 

Nothing set in stone yet.  I still have to be officially approved by the board and all that jazz so until that’s done I’m still considering it a soft deal.  But it just added to my creative high that day.

Then le piece de resistance!

You-Know-Who and I went to an anniversary party for friends of ours.  And we bumped into some theatre friends of ours while there.  So I shared all my news.  There was much cheering and rejoicing.

I stepped aside to talk to one particular chap.  I had heard he was already working at the theatre I may be directing at and I wanted to get the info.  Through the course of the conversation he just kept smiling at me and grabbing my shoulder, saying he was so proud of me.

It made me glow.

I first met this chap when he came to see my directorial debut many a moon ago.  He was so impressed he came and saw it multiple times.  This impressed me because he is a trained actor with a formal theatre education and probably knew more about my Ianesco script than I did!

Later, I met up with he and his wife at a wine tasting I was pouring at.  When I told him I was still with the same company he seemed a bit frustrated by that fact.  He walked away. But his wife put it as bluntly as possible….

“At some point TheatreChick, you have to decide how much your talent is worth.”

We were talking money at the time and even to this day, I can’t put a dollar amount on it.  But I see thier point in broader terms.

At some point you have to decide where you want to stop.  Or even if you want to stop.  Is your talent worth stopping?  Are you done growing creatively?  What is your talent worth sacrificing for?

I can’t sacrifice friends, family or anything like that for it.  At least I don’t think I can.  I learned that lesson awhile ago.  But after talking to the chap and his wife again this past Friday, I get thier point even clearer.

As much as I say I learn a lot from every experience I’m in, there are some things comfort doesn’t let you learn.  Comfort breeds laziness I believe.  Short cuts, half ass jobs and fewer challenges…despite what you might tell yourself.

Friday night, just before the chap and I parted ways, he looked at me, very intently (we creative types LOVE to do that) and said, once again, “I’m so very proud of you.”

I laughed and shrugged it off.  Which must have irked him because the next thing I know, he’s looking at me even MORE intently and whispers “I always felt like they were holding you back.  Never letting you really go where your talent would let you.  I always hoped you would push back.  Perhaps you finally did.”

I don’t like to think of others holding me back so it un-nerved me that he said that.  After all, I’ve had some of my greatest successes in the past ten years.  I’ve learned a lot and done a lot.  So I guess that means…..

If anyone was holding me back it was me.

Instead of jumping to new experiences, I settled for what I knew I would be good at.  How is that a REAL success?  How hard did I work for that?  See what I mean?  Comfort breeds complacency.

For some reason, in the past few months, rather than try to change the place where I was, I sought out new experiences, challenges and opportunities.  I can’t explain why, I can’t tell you I made a conscience decision.  And the truth is I wouldn’t have gotten either the movie or the directing gig if I hadn’t been where I was at.

I guess I just decided it was time to get out of my own way and stop holding myself back.

How are you holding yourself back?  What could you do if there was nothing in your way?  Imagine the possibilities….

…..then make them happen.

One of the best parts of being in theatre are the friendships you make during a show.  And one of the worst parts is that the friendships usually only last the show duration.  After that you become more like distant cousins.  Polite and happy to see each other when schedules allow.

I’m very lucky and have a myriad of friends who, despite my non-involvement in a show, include me as much as possible.  They said they would from the beginning and they have so far.  I think…..

If we weren’t all on the Book I wouldn’t see all the inside jokes and pictures from outings after rehearsals or shopping for costumes.  That’s what breaks my heart a little.

I feel like I am missing out.

I’ve made the effort to try and get together with my friends when I can.  I suggest going out to lunch or a weekend event.  But inevitabley, it can’t just be my one friend from the show.  It turns into a giant theatre outing where everyone talks about the show, the latest rehearsals and all the challenges they face.

It’s tough.  I know.  I’ve been there.

I don’t regret not doing this show.  I’ve been able to do a lot of things I didn’t know I was missing out on before.  And I’ll be back in the theatre life soon enough.  So I need to enjoy my time now.

What I am taking from this experience is next time I am in a show and I am hanging with friends who aren’t, I will do my best to discuss life outside the theatre and my current endeavour.  I will do my best to include my non-show friends in non-show related activities and give them they time they deserve.  The show will come to end and there will usually/always be another one right after it.  But friends…..well, they don’t come that easily. 

And they shouldn’t go that easily either.

A friend of mine, well, at least I think we are still friends, posted an interesting article about RSVPing on the Book today.  Here’s the link.

The article brings out a long standing problem in the world: the lack of RSVPs.  For those of you who don’t know (and apparently there are a lot of you), RSVP stands for Respond S’il Vous Plait.  Now that’s French for RESPOND PLEASE.

Every invitation you receive demands an RSVP, regardless of whether or not those four letters are on there.  Whether its a casual invite for dinner, a group outing for a movie or a formal event such as a wedding or a fundraiser.  And it doesn’t matter whether or not its mailed, emailed or verbal.  EVERY INVITATION DEMANDS AN RSVP.

Every host, and again regardless of type of event, tries to setup the event as best as possible so the guests can enjoy themselves upon arrival.  If you do not RSVP, that means the host cannot plan accordingly.  How can a host prep food, stock drinks, arrange transportation, layout seating, order tickets or any other myriad of event to-dos without knowing HOW MANY PEOPLE to plan for?  Hosts need to know by a certain date and time how many people will be attending for every guest to have the best experience.

And I’m sorry, but there are no exceptions to this rule.  You can either commit by the deadline (and if the host is good, there will be a deadline) or you can’t.  Holding out to see if there are better offers or any other such stalling techniques just emphasize your self-centeredness and selfishness.

Oh yeah, I call ‘em as I see ‘em.

This has happened to me more than once (in case you couldn’t tell).  I like to host gatherings and outings but have since stopped because it became too incredibly hard to try and guess if someone will show or not.  Or if they will bring extra people with them at the last minute (UGH!  Yes this has happened to more…again more than once.)  Some people have complained and I’ve told them simply, if people would respond to an invitation I would know there was interest.  But I am not planning events for people just so they can have an option B on their calendar.

I stopped inviting people who never RSVPed (such as my friend who posted the article in the first place, ah the irony).  And then they complain to me I don’t include them anymore.  Well you never included me in your planning either.  One good turn gets another.

But here’s my productive advice.  Not that anyone asked but that’s never stopped me before.  If you are planning an event (casual or formal) have an RSVP drop dead date.  Mine is usually 24 hours prior unless there are outside vendors involved.  And make it clear that if no RSVP is received by that drop dead date, it is considered a not attending.

This does make it a little bit easier for the invited guests.  It allows them time to assess thier calendars and if they cannot make it, they don’t feel they have to come up with some excuse.   Personally, as a host, I don’t care why you can’t come.  I just need to know one way or the other.  And in my opinion the invites that say “No RSVPs required unless you are not attending” SUCK.  Then the host is asking the guests to explain themselves (because that’s society these days) and that’s rude on the hosts part.

I am still trying to figure out what happens when people randomly show up at the event anyway.  Check out the article though there are some interesting solutions and at least one I might try.

So ladies and gents, please try to be a polite and courteous guest.  RSVP when invited.  Each and every time.  Thankee!